Dream spaces and nightmare times
by mama rocks
Summary: Everybody has dreams and nightmares. A chapter for each team member.All chapters contain established Janto relationship and adult themes. Angsty and not always pretty. Ianto first.
1. Chapter 1

IANTO

Ianto had nightmares.

Sometimes Ianto would deliberately stay awake to stop the nightmares. Sometimes he would encourage elaborate sex games with Jack just to have company to keep the nightmares at bay. Sometimes he was glad of more rift activity at the end of a long day just to postpone the nightmare times.

But sometimes the nightmares would come even if he was awake.

Ianto blamed himself. He had tried to save Lisa at the expense of others. He had betrayed Jack more than once to keep her safe. He hated himself when he remembered how close he had come to causing all their deaths.

XXXXXXXXXXX

'Boardroom five minutes!' shouted Jack from his office.

The team looked at each other, there was no rift activity and they all wondered what had occurred that needed conference time. However five minutes later they were all in the boardroom awaiting instructions.

'UNIT have set up a meeting with an expert in Cyber technology from the States' announced Jack.

He tried not to look at Ianto, knowing this would affect the whole team but Ianto the most.

'His name is Professor Gateman and he has travelled here at the express wish of UNIT to hold talks about using Cyber technology in robotics programmes with a view to incorporating organic material into robotic weaponry' he continued.

The team was silent, attempting to understand the implications behind what Jack was saying.

'Are you telling us UNIT are considering incorporating human tissue into their robotics and are thinking of using Cyber technology to do it' asked Toshiko incredulously.

Jack allowed the question to hang in the air for a moment.

'It looks that way...yes' he eventually answered quietly.

Jack sneaked a look at Ianto. Only Jack would notice the tell tale signs of stress in the young man, the slightly clenched fists, the even more rigid stance, the downcast eyes. He wanted to save Ianto from having to know about this case but that was just not feasible. It would be impossible to hide anything from the man who practically ran the hub, and they would need Ianto's particular area of expertise to solve the case.

'Why the fuck would UNIT be so stupid? Do they not remember Canary Wharf' snarled Owen.

'We can't let them do this Jack' insisted Gwen.

'They are making the mistake of assuming they can take something evil and make something good out of it. They're not bad people they just have bad ideas' said Jack sadly.

'What are we going to do about it Jack? Can we persuade them it's a bad idea?' asked Toshiko.

'I doubt it...and certainly not in time to stop advancements that would just steamroller out of control' said Jack.

Jack was still watching Ianto carefully. He was the only team member who had not contributed to the conversation, his eyes had not left the table in front of him.

'Right Tosh divert this plane to Birmingham airport'

Jack handed Toshiko a piece of paper with the flight details of Professor Gateman on it.

'Owen, Gwen you will meet the plane as UNIT representatives, you will need to gain access to his computer files and link them back here for Tosh to corrupt. Then you will need to convince him that UNIT is not interested in Cyber technology and send him home....or retcon him if convincing won't work' he continued.

'Ianto' he said in a gentler tone of voice 'I need you to create false UNIT papers for Owen and Gwen, and a cover story for UNIT for why their Professor never materialised. You will need to create cover stories for his university also'

Jack waited for Ianto to acknowledge his request, he nodded but did not lift his eyes from the table.

'Let's get to it' said Jack and the team moved to begin work.

Once the others had left Jack sat down next to Ianto and took hold of one of his hands.

'You ok Ianto?' he asked.

'It's happening again Jack. All the horror is coming back. Is it my fault?' Ianto was mumbling.

'Ianto! How can you possibly believe this has anything to do with you, of course it's not your fault...we will sort it...nothing bad will happen, I promise' said Jack trying to soothe the younger man.

He stood up and pulled Ianto with him, placing a kiss on his lips and urging him towards the door.

'Come on let's make sure this gets stopped before it gets started' he said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ianto functioned on auto pilot all day and Jack watched him whenever he wasn't busy. He knew Ianto still blamed himself for the debacle with Lisa. He had regular nightmares about her and about his own part in it. He hated himself for what he had done and more for what he had done since. Because he had fallen in love with the man that had killed the woman he loved. Jack knew he was tormented by Lisa's image. Sometimes in their most intimate moments Jack would see her face pass across Ianto's mind.

Ianto barely spoke all day. Gwen and Owen had left with their false identities and met successfully with the professor. Gwen flirted her way into his computer files and while she distracted him Owen remotely connected his computer with Toshiko's back at the hub, and she set a delayed bug to corrupt the files later.

Everything went to plan and by seven that evening the professor was on a plane home, UNIT was bewailing the unreliability of American scientists and Ianto had outdone himself with cover stories for all institutions concerned. Owen and Gwen were on their way back to Cardiff when Jack sent Toshiko home and packed himself and his favourite Welshman back to his flat.

Ianto was still largely uncommunicative but Jack knew he was needed to chase demons that night, he would not allow Ianto to brood.

'Jack I'm really not going to be good company tonight...you don't have to stay' said Ianto in a subdued tone.

'I want to Ianto...and you're always good company' answered Jack.

Jack tried to kiss Ianto, to pull him into an embrace but the younger man resisted with a small

'don't...please'

Jack recognised the signs of self disgust and self denial in Ianto. His lover often had trouble believing he had a right to be happy and more so when thoughts of Lisa forced themselves into his mind.

'Ianto...it's over...it's past...you've moved on..you have a right to be happy...Lisa would not want you to grieve forever..to deny yourself love' whispered Jack.

But at the mention of Lisa's name Ianto had pulled further away from Jack. Jack knew he would need to force the issue, force Lisa away, force Ianto to accept what he had now, force him to acknowledge his betrayal of Lisa that was part of his loving Jack.

He grabbed Ianto and held him fiercely.

'Ianto you know you want me' he whispered.

'No' said Ianto harshly trying to pull away.

'Yes' hissed Jack 'You've always wanted me, even when Lisa was still alive'

Ianto whimpered, he hated hearing his own thoughts spoken aloud like this. Jack began to undress him whilst Ianto remained passive in his arms.

'Please don't do this Jack' begged Ianto.

'You know you want me too' insisted Jack licking and kissing at the flesh he was exposing.

Both men were already naked from the waist up and Jack removed his own trousers and started on Ianto's.

'Jack please...I don't want to do this...please stop' Ianto was shaking but could not raise a hand to defend himself.

Jack had Ianto's trousers off and leant into his body squeezing his cock as he answered.

'But this is hard Ianto..this tells me you do want to do this...just admit you want me Ianto...admit you want me to fuck you'

Ianto was sobbing now, his body was awash with desire that his mind insisted was wrong. He was in turmoil. His memories of his betrayal of Lisa made him hate himself, made him feel disgusted by his body's reaction to Jack's caresses.

Jack wanted to completely purge Ianto's guilt. He had done nothing wrong when he fell in love again after Lisa died. He knew Ianto struggled with guilt because he had fallen in love with the man who killed her. Jack wanted him to let go of those feelings.

Both naked now Jack pulled Ianto to the floor and rubbed their cocks together making Ianto moan with undesired need. As he was kissing and caressing he was constantly whispering to him.

'You want me to fuck you don't you Ianto?'

'No..please don't'

Jack continued to work on Ianto's body, kissing, licking, nibbling, loving.

'You've always wanted me to fuck you...even when Lisa was in the basement you wanted me..even after I killed her you wanted me...even as I disgusted you most you still wanted me to fuck you'

Ianto's eyes were tight shut but his body was responding to Jack. Even as he still mumbled.

'No..please...don't'

His breathing was becoming ragged and his hips were bucking into Jack's hands and against his body seeking friction.

'Tell me you want me Ianto..tell me you want me to fuck you..tell me you don't care what I did because you love me'

Ianto's eyes shot open, he felt like Jack had seen into his very soul. In his innermost self he didn't care what Jack had done, didn't care that he had killed Lisa, didn't care what he might do in the future, because he did love him.

Jack saw him struggling with the realisation that Jack understood him. He positioned himself to enter Ianto but held back from the final thrust both men panting with need.

'Tell me Ianto...tell me you love me...tell me you want me to fuck you'

'Jack'

Ianto could barely breathe and was desperately trying to pull Jack towards him, into his body, wanting Jack to claim him as his own.

'Tell me Ianto...tell me you love me'

'Jack....I don't care what you did...I love you..'

Ianto gasped out the sentence, he was full of shame and desperate with desire.

Jack plunged in earning a startled gasp from Ianto and setting a rapid pace urging them both towards orgasm. It was over quickly. It hadn't really been about sex or love, it was about guilt and forgiveness and above all possession. Ianto needed to be possessed by Jack, to be claimed. To be stolen away from his past.

As their breathing slowed Jack became aware that Ianto was biting his shoulder with some force.

'Ianto' he whispered into the younger man's neck.

Ianto let go of his shoulder and Jack discovered that he had been trying to stem his sobs. Heart wrenching gasps and hitching breaths came convulsively from Ianto's mouth. Jack rolled off him and pulled him into his arms and held him as he cried his fill. Jack constantly whispered endearments to him, stroking his hair and gently shushing him.

Eventually Ianto calmed and tried to apologise but Jack shushed him again. He urged Ianto to his feet and led him to the bedroom and got them both into bed and wrapped him into his embrace once more.

'How could I Jack? How could I love someone who killed Lisa? How can I love a man?' asked Ianto quieter now.

'You're human Ianto. Can you really believe that your beautiful and loving Lisa would want you to be lonely forever?' Jack asked him gently.

'Maybe not...but she might not have wanted me to thank the person who killed her by fucking him' growled Ianto.

'I didn't kill Lisa Ianto...you know that...she died at Canary Wharf. Let it go Ianto...put the guilt down and walk away...you did your best..you're allowed to be happy now' whispered Jack.

'Why did you make me say those things?' asked Ianto.

'So you would face your demons...accept what happened' stumbled Jack not entirely sure it had been a good idea to surface those emotions but knowing it was a worse idea to leave them buried and festering.

'I hate myself'

'I know'

'I hate you'

'I know'

'I love you too'

'I know...and I love you'

With a barely repressed sob Ianto lost himself in the captain's arms again.

XXXXXXXXX

Ianto has dreams

He dreams of a normal life, of a job, a marriage, a mortgage, children, growing old with the woman he loves. He dreams of Lisa still being alive and of those dreams being true.

He dreams of a normal life with Jack. Of a Jack who is not the leader of Torchwood but just the lover of Ianto. He dreams of a Jack who can grow old with him, a Jack from this time, a Jack without the dark places behind his eyes.

He dreams of a Jack who can promise forever, who can promise never to love anyone else because they will spend their lives just with each other.

But on nights when Jack has made him face his demons and has chased them away with his love he is content.

On nights like this when Jack holds him in his arms and promises no one else will ever have Jack's whole heart because a tiny part will always belong to Ianto, Ianto can smile.

He knows this is a promise that Jack can keep, and in the dream spaces before sleep and the nightmare times come this is enough for Ianto.


	2. Chapter 2

GWEN

Gwen has nightmares.

Sometimes lying awake in her bed at night she relives all the moments of death and destruction she has witnessed since coming to Torchwood.

She sees sex crazed aliens, weevils with blood dripping from their teeth, people lost to the rift, friends and one time lovers lost to something beyond death.

She sees a time when she will be forced to choose between Torchwood and Rhys, and she sees the hurt it will cause the man she married.

These are the waking nightmares in her life.

XXXXXXXX

Gwen sat at her workstation and played with the files on her computer. She was a little bored and beginning to fret about the argument she had with Rhys before work.

Rhys wanted to take a holiday to see his friends in Scotland. They had gone to see Laura and Mike almost every year since college and Rhys could not see why this year should be different. Gwen had taken leave for their honeymoon only four months ago and she knew taking more time now would be unfair to the others.

Rhys was only too happy to blame her work and Jack Harkness in particular. He desperately wanted her to have a normal job, one which allowed holidays, one which was not likely to get her killed and most importantly one which allowed maternity leave. Rhys was never going to let that discussion drop.

Gwen loved her husband, she really did. She cherished the normality of her home life, the stability that Rhys gave her, but she craved the excitement offered by Torchwood and she yearned for the love of Jack.

'Gwen? You ok?' Toshiko asked quietly.

Gwen looked at her teammate and smiled.

'Yeah. I'm fine...just Rhys...you know' she said sadly.

'Jack is right you know...you should hold onto your life...don't let Torchwood take from you what matters most' said Toshiko.

Gwen just nodded abstractedly. She knew Tosh was just trying to be helpful but the other woman could not understand Gwen's dilemma, she wasn't in a serious relationship. Actually Gwen wasn't sure if Tosh had ever had a serious relationship, she really must pay more attention to her teammates.

'Trouble in paradise?' mocked Owen as he listened to the two of them.

'Piss off Owen' snapped Gwen.

Owen smirked. Since he was no longer capable of having a sexual relationship with anyone, discord within other people's love life was a source of perpetual enjoyment.

Ianto came around with drinks for them all, even placing one next to Owen so that he didn't feel different even if he could not drink it.

Jack came over to sit with Gwen and Toshiko as they all drank.

'What's going on girls?' he asked jovially.

'Absolutely nothing...that's the problem' insisted Gwen.

'If you're desperate for work I'm sure Ianto can find you some paperwork to file' laughed Jack.

Ianto looked at Jack with horror on his face. The other four all collapsed in laughter at the sight.

'OK Ianto OK...I take it back...no one will go near your filing system' laughed Jack.

He stood up and wound an arm around his lover and leaned in to whisper in his ear.

'I could never do anything to upset you...especially considering the plans I have for you later' he continued wickedly.

Ianto blushed slightly and gave Jack a half smile as he wandered away to continue working. Jack watched him go with a soft look on his face.

Gwen felt a stab of jealousy. She could smell Jack from here, she could feel his heat and she wanted that look to be directed at her. She moaned inside her head at what a terrible wife she was.

Such thoughts were banished when the rift alarm activated and she left with Ianto and Jack to investigate an appearance of obscure lights at a farmhouse.

The farmhouse was six miles outside the city and the call was initially to a local police station and made by a ten year old girl who could not locate her parents and was scared by the lights over the barn. Toshiko had intercepted the call after the rift alarm was activated and prevented the police from responding.

The SUV arrived at the house, located on its own land with no immediate neighbours. They exited the vehicle.

'Gwen check the house, see if you can find the girl. Ianto with me at the barn' said Jack as he caught sight of the strange luminous globes hanging over the indicated structure.

Gwen tried the door to the house, found it open and walked inside, calling softly.

'Anybody here?...We've come to help...can you tell me where you are?'

No response. Gwen moved further into the house and gasped as she saw the girl sat on the bottom stair.

'Are you ok? We've come to help' said Gwen softly approaching the girl.

The young girl looked at Gwen but did not seem to register her presence. She was wearing only a thin nightdress and clutching a moth eaten teddy bear and mumbling in a strange language Gwen did not recognise.

Gwen kept trying to talk to the girl, kept asking her questions, but the girl just stared past her and continued to ramble in her strange language. She was obviously physically uninjured so Gwen left her where she was and checked the rest of the house. No other persons present, no obvious immediate alien threats. Gwen returned to sit with the girl.

After trying again to communicate Gwen decided to join Ianto and Jack in case they needed back up. Just as she was leaving the house Jack and Ianto entered through the door. Ianto was unruffled as always but Jack looked haggard. He had no obvious injuries but he had a look of such despair on his face that Gwen could not help but gasp when she saw him.

'Jack? What is it?' she asked.

Jack did not answer he just looked at her and let out a huge racking sob as he spotted the young girl on the stairs. Ianto took in the figure of the youngster and led Jack to a chair then indicated to Gwen to join him a little apart from the other two.

'Gwen. Jack has explained the lights to me. They are the consumed bodies of this girl's parents' he said.

Gwen gasped and looked around at the child, tears springing to her eyes.

'It gets worse Gwen' said Ianto pain crossing his face.

'That child is now a carrier. Jack has seen this many times before. The species are Boclovs, they consume some of the bodies of the planet they are invading and infect others.' Ianto took a deep breath.

'The infected don't live long, a few days at most. They die as their bodies implode under the pressure of the infection and that results in the infection spreading to others' he continued.

'How can we help? What do we do? Should we get her back to the hub so Owen can try to work on an antidote?' the questions fell quickly from Gwen's lips.

'No' breathed Ianto quietly.

'What? Then what do we do Ianto? Why is Jack not helping?' asked Gwen in exasperation.

'He knows what has to be done Gwen...I'm sorry...we have to kill the child and burn the body' Ianto finally got the words out.

'No!' shouted Gwen.

Jack's head fell into his arms.

'Jack!' shouted Gwen 'You cannot do that. She's just a child. There has to be another way. I refuse to do such a terrible thing. What is the bloody use of having you as a leader if you think it's ok to kill children...I won't let you do it'

Ianto blazed into anger, and he took Gwen's arm and yanked her away from Jack.

'Gwen! Stop! It's not his fault. Look at him. Do you really think this is easy for him? Stop worrying about your own need to be a bleeding heart and see how difficult it is to be a leader when decisions like this need to be taken' he hissed.

'Stop looking at the hero Gwen...see the man!'

Gwen was taken aback, Ianto rarely got angry so when he did it was cause to pause and listen. But she couldn't see Jack's problems right now, she could only see a little girl who had lost her parents and was now under threat from the very man who should have been able to save her.

Ianto threw her arm away from himself and strode towards the door.

'Where are you going?' demanded Gwen.

Ianto stopped at the threshold and his shoulders slumped.

'To build a pyre ready for the body' he answered.

'Why don't you question his decision? Why do you just accept what he says? Stand up to him Ianto' shouted Gwen.

Ianto turned to look at her.

'I often challenge him Gwen, you know that...I got you to Flat Holme...I never just accept what he says and I often question him. But I trust him...if he could save this child...if he thought there was the slightest possibility...he would do it...he says there is no hope...to save the world we have to sacrifice her...I believe him...I trust him...I will follow his orders' and he left.

Gwen sat near Jack with tears streaming down her face.

'You can't do it Jack...it's inhuman' she insisted.

Jack looked at her through his tears but did not speak. He knew he would have to kill this child and it was breaking his heart. He had seen the devastation that the Boclovs could cause and knew he had to act quickly, they could not leave the farmhouse until it was done.

Gwen looked at the man she thought she was in love with and tried to see the humanity behind the tired knowledge. She wanted him to solve this problem, to be the dashing hero, but all she could see was a broken man sagging under the weight of decisions that were always his to make.

These were truly the nightmare times.

Gwen put her head into her hands and sat trembling under the knowledge of what she was about to allow to happen. She would be party to a murder, a murder of an innocent ten year old child.

'I'm sorry...I'm sorry'

Gwen didn't know if Jack was talking to her or the child but she did not look up, she did not want to tarnish further her mental image of her hero. The sounds of Ianto building outside had stopped and she assumed he had finished but she still did not look up.

Ianto re entered the farmhouse and watched both his teammates for a moment. He was annoyed with Gwen. She only ever saw the hero and rarely listened to the leader.

His heart broke slightly as he watched his captain. Yet again he was making decisions that no human being should have to make. One more nightmare to add to a very long list.

He made a swift decision, swept the child into his arms and took her outside. Gwen and Jack only realised what he had done when they heard the gunshot. They looked up at each other and over to where the child had been sitting.

'No!' they both screamed and ran outside.

Jack ran and took Ianto into his arms. The young man was standing staring at the body of the child he had just shot. He was not moving but was shaking all over and obviously close to going into shock. Jack grounded him by kissing him gently and holding his hands.

'Ianto...why?' he asked softly.

'You shouldn't have to do it all' whispered Ianto still shaking slightly.

Gwen was dumbfounded.

Ianto had shot a young child and he had done it to save Jack. He had killed so that the man he loved would have one less nightmare.

Gwen saw it. She saw that she did not love Jack at all, not like Ianto did.

She loved the idea of him, the idea of a hero who would save the world and then make love to her. But she did not love the man. The man who made horrendous decisions, who had seen several lifetimes worth of pain and horror, who had the nightmare times behind his eyes.

That was the man Ianto loved, and he did it so completely.

XXXXXXXXXX

Gwen has dreams

She dreams of a life with a hero called Jack. Of a life full of fast living and world saving, of mad kisses and wild romantic times. A life where only aliens and the bad guys get hurt.

She dreams of a normal life with Rhys. Of a life where Torchwood does not exist. A life where she is a good wife and a mother to two perfect children. Of a life where she does not risk injury every day. A life where she does not know about aliens and does not breathe the stench of death.

But as she witnesses the intensity of Ianto's love she realises how much she needs Rhys.

He is not a hero but he is the one who holds her as she cries at night. He is not a hero but he loves all her faults and forgives her each time she hurts him.

He is not a hero but he is hers to have and to hold, and in the dream spaces before the nightmare times that is enough for Gwen.


	3. Chapter 3

OWEN

Owen has nightmares.

'I can't drink, I can't sleep and I can't shag...and they are three of my most favourite things.'

Owen thought constantly about the things he could no longer do.

Thinking was one of the things he could do, in fact he couldn't get away from thinking anymore. He couldn't sleep away the thoughts, he couldn't drink away the thoughts and he couldn't shag away the thoughts.

On the good days he thought that he might have millennia not being able to drink, sleep or shag and the thought drove him to the edge of sanity.

On the bad days the thought of not being able to drink, sleep or shag in the next five minutes drove him over the edge into insanity.

Owen cannot sleep, but these are his waking nightmares.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

'Oi teaboy' shouted Owen 'have you found that file yet?'

Owen was irritated. He had been irritated all day because he was bored.

Although he had been reinstated as a full member of Torchwood Jack would not let him go on any unnecessary missions due to his delicate condition. If injured he would not heal, Owen understood that. But he was beginning to think that was preferable to a slow disintegration into death by boredom.

Ianto, with perfect unflustered calm handed him the requested file and asked with a small contained smile.

'Would you like me to do anything else Owen?'

Owen looked up at his younger teammate. Yes he would like him to do something else. He would like it to be Ianto who was the walking undead, he would like Ianto to solve his problem and make him real again. He would like Ianto to just hold him and tell him everything would be alright. But this was Owen so he simply replied snarkily.

'No...just go clean something'

Ianto looked at the moody medic for a moment, he knew Owen was hurting and he also knew he would never admit it. He wandered over to Owen and pulled him into a fierce hug.

'I'm glad you're still here Owen' he whispered into his ear.

Owen pulled back from the hug and looked him in the face ready to give him grief for the show of emotion. But the look on Ianto's face had him biting back his comment. He nodded his head at the young Welshman and briefly hugged him back before thrusting him away.

The day progressed much as normal. Gwen talked incessantly about her honeymoon and Owen truly thought he would do her serious injury if she did not shut up. The woman was unreal. Did it not occur to her that talking about something that Owen could no longer have was not just a touch insensitive? Toshiko tried to avoid encouraging Gwen and even walked away from her at one point. Gwen shrugged and put it down to jealousy and turned to continue her outpouring to Ianto instead.

'Excuse me please Gwen, I have to speak to Jack' Ianto told her politely.

He entered Jack's office and stood for a moment fuming silently. He had seen how the talk was upsetting Owen. He knew Gwen was just excited but she really was being beyond thoughtless.

'Hi gorgeous...something you want to tell me about?' asked Jack sensing Ianto's mood.

'Jack you have to find a way to stop Gwen talking about her and Rhys...I don't think Owen can take much more. His mental stability is very unsteady right now...he's just beginning to realise all the things he will never have...or never have again...he doesn't need other people's happiness thrust at him so aggressively' he said in exasperation.

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment and Ianto was suddenly sorry he had asked this. He knew Jack blamed himself for Owen's condition and he didn't need more guilt.

'Ok Ianto I'll sort it...ask her to come in to me in 10 minutes' said Jack.

Gwen left Jack's office later that morning looking suitably chastened and peace was restored for a short while.

After lunch the rest of the team went on what turned out to be a simple retrieval exercise. Jack had ordered Owen to stay at the hub and relay coordinates and Owen was feeling frustrated yet again. The team arrived back laughing and windswept and Owen felt a stab of jealousy at the normality of their lives. Jack was laughing inanely at something Gwen was telling him and Toshiko and Ianto were talking quietly but animatedly with each other about a computer programme she was working on.

Five minutes later the team were settling down and Ianto had produced coffee for everyone. He took his own down to join Owen in the med lab.

'How are the tests going?' he asked the medic.

Owen was running old samples through a new analysis programme he had been working on.

'Do you really want to know?' asked Owen.

'Yes' said Ianto simply.

'Will you even understand it?'

'I might' insisted Ianto huffily 'hang around a brilliant doctor long enough and some of it is bound to rub off' he smiled.

Owen grinned at him. He knew the younger man was trying hard to help him and he was doing it in his usual unobtrusive manner that was actually quite calming. Owen felt a debt of gratitude towards him.

'Sit down then and I'll show you' he laughed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Much later Ianto was sitting with Jack in his office sharing a quiet moment when they were both startled by violent crashing noises coming from the med bay. Hurrying out Ianto saw Toshiko and Gwen apparently watching whatever was causing the noise. Toshiko was hanging over the railing and shouting.

'Stop it now Owen, you'll hurt yourself'

'I'm fucking dead Tosh it doesn't get any more hurt than that' Owen screamed.

'What happened?' asked Jack.

'I am fed up Jack that's what happened. I am pissed that I can't sleep...can't stop thinking...I can't have a cup of Ianto's coffee..I can't shag...oh my God I can't even take a deep breath' Owen was beginning to calm but was still shouting and shaking with repressed anger.

'I want to cry...I want to cry like a baby for all the things I will never have again...and I can't even do that' Owen gasped and sank to the floor in despair.

Toshiko made to go towards Owen but Jack stopped her with a hand on her arm.

'Go home girls' and his tone allowed no argument.

Once the girls had left Jack was unsure how to proceed. What was he supposed to say to the man whose life he had ruined? Ianto indicated to him that he would speak to Owen.

He joined him on the floor of the lab.

'Not worried about your suit?' asked Owen as the younger man joined him on the floor.

'Owen, I like to be neat and I like to be clean but I like my friends more' said Ianto sincerely.

'Besides I'm going to get filthy tidying this lot' he indicated the mess Owen had created 'and you're going to help me' he added in a firm tone.

'Oh? And how are you going to achieve that? Threaten me with decaff?' asked Owen bitterly.

'No you'll help me because contrary to popular opinion you are not a complete dick' smiled Ianto.

Owen smiled back at him.

'You know Ianto you could do much better than Jack' he said.

'You offering your services Owen?' asked Ianto with a cheeky smirk.

'I don't think I'd be much good to you' he said in a voice full of despair.

Ianto looked at him closely.

'There's more to a relationship than sex Owen' he replied.

'Yeah' Owen grinned 'but it's the only part I was ever any good at'

'Maybe you should try practising the other parts...there is somebody in this hub who would like that' whispered Ianto.

Owen knew he was referring to Toshiko. She would still accept a relationship with Owen but Owen wasn't sure he could do it, wasn't convinced he had anything to offer her.

Jack joined the two teammates in the med lab.

'Is it ok for me to come in yet?' he asked.

Owen looked up at him. He was still angry with Jack. He was jealous of his teammates and their living status but he was furious with Jack for being the cause of his own non-living status.

'What do you want Harkness?' he demanded.

'To see if you are ok' answered Jack.

'No Jack I'm not ok...I will probably never be ok again. I want you to suffer like I am..I want you to choke on every morsel of food you eat knowing that I'll never eat again...I want every coffee to make you sick when you think that I'll never taste it again...I want you to get a droopy dick every time you try to have sex knowing I will never do that again..' Owen was ranting.

Jack looked ashamed and Ianto knew these were already things that haunted him...all the things he had taken away from Owen in his selfish determination not to lose another person from his life.

Owen looked at Ianto apologetically.

'I take that back...you can have guilt free sex with Ianto but only because he deserves it...he's the only person who has helped me, and God only knows why considering all the grief I've given him...but if you ever try to have sex with anyone else I will haunt your orgasms Harkness' he continued.

All three men were beginning to smile now at the absurdity of Owen's ranting.

'So what's this sudden affection for Ianto...should I be worried about competition?' Jack tried to lighten the mood.

'I don't want Ianto, he's just the only one I'm not currently mad with...'said Owen.

Then he grinned and looked at Ianto from under his lashes.

'Although he is beginning to look increasingly attractive' he smirked.

The look of horror on Ianto's face had Owen genuinely laughing for the first time in many days.

'See.. he can always cheer me up' concluded Owen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ianto left Owen and Jack together to talk. He understood that Owen blamed Jack for his condition and needed to vent his anger at him. He also knew how guilty Jack felt for what had happened. It was important that the two men reconnected in some way, even if only by recriminations and apologies.

They eventually wandered back to the main hub and Ianto looked over to them.

'I hope you cleared up in there' he said.

'Yes mum' answered Owen sarcastically and grinned at Jack.

Ianto had made coffee and toast for himself and Jack and Jack looked at Owen apologetically.

'It's ok...I know you both have to eat and at least Ianto has kept it simple...not too much to drool over there' said Owen although right now he would kill to have hot buttered toast.

Owen didn't want to go home by himself so he returned to analysing his samples in the med lab until Ianto insisted he come up and play some computer games. Owen had plenty of time recently to hone his skills and kept trouncing the other two thoroughly and began to regain some of his humour.

After several hours of game play Jack and Ianto were getting tired and sat on the sofa not wanting to leave Owen alone. Jack quickly fell into a doze and Ianto gestured to Owen to come and sit with them.

'I can't sleep Ianto' said Owen sadly.

'But you can relax a little' insisted Ianto indicating the seat next to him.

Owen huffed a little but came and sat with Ianto. Ianto surprised him by resting his head in Owen's lap.

'Stroke my hair' he demanded 'it helps me to relax'

Owen looked down at the younger man in disbelief.

'You're demanding' he said smiling.

'Thats what Jack says...but I just know what I want and I ask for it' answered Ianto.

Owen sniggered slightly and began to stroke Ianto's hair.

'yeah' laughed Ianto when he felt Owen's fingers go to work 'Jack always gives in and does as he's told too'

'It's always worth it' mumbled a sleepy Jack.

'Oh my God' sighed Owen 'I really don't want to know'

'Yes you do' smirked Ianto and Owen laughed.

The two men stayed like this for several minutes.

'You need to find new pleasures Owen' said Ianto 'you can't eat, sleep or have sex any more but there are other pleasures to be had and to give'

'What are you getting at Ianto?' asked Owen as he continued to stroke his hair.

'I happen to know Tosh likes having her hair stroked....find pleasure in giving Owen' he answered.

Owen watched the younger man's eyes drift shut as he gave in to sleep and pondered what he had said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Owen has dreams.

He dreams that Katie had never died, that they married, had successful careers, a happy life, maybe even children.

He dreams that Diane loved him enough to stay, to not fly back through the rift in search of her own destiny.

He dreams that Jack had not rescued him from the cage with the Weevil, or that he had allowed Owen to stay dead when he had been shot.

He dreams that the horror of his non existence belongs to someone else. That the team would find a way to make him live again, help him to eat or sleep or make love, help him to be human again.

But he knows he has good friends. He knows Jack is riddled with guilt for bringing him back and he knows he must help him to let that guilt go. He sees how hard Ianto tries to make him feel normal and feels a warmth for the young man that he never dreamed could exist.

He has Toshiko. He has a second chance, a chance to show her how special she is to him, a chance to show her he cares. He has friends who care and who maybe even love him.

He is not normal, not alive, not human. But in the dream spaces before the nightmare times love is enough for Owen.


	4. Chapter 4

Tosh has nightmares

In her nightmares she is still in the UNIT prison facility. No hope, no way to measure time passing, no future. In these nightmares there is only darkness and Jack does not appear with whirling coat and an offer of redemption.

In her nightmares she never finds the love she desperately craves, never knows the joy of laying content and safe in strong arms.

She dies alone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

'Tosh! Oh my God what happened?' questioned Owen.

Toshiko walked wearily into the med lab holding her arm against her chest and trying to stem the flow of blood.

'The weevil caught her Owen..she's in pain' said Ianto as he helped Toshiko onto a table.

'I can see she's in pain Ianto' snapped Owen.

'It's not that bad Owen' said Toshiko trying to placate the medic.

She looked an apology at Ianto but he just smiled back at her. He knew that Owen's snapping was only the result of his concern for Toshiko's welfare. He left the medic to his job and went to find Jack and report on the afternoons activities.

Owen was busy cleaning Toshiko's wound. It was not as deep as he had feared but would still require some sutures.

'Ianto should have taken better care of you Tosh' muttered Owen.

'He was pinned under a weevil at the time Owen. It was my fault...I got careless' Toshiko tried to mollify him.

Owen busied himself giving Toshiko a local anaesthetic and preparing to suture her wound. Toshiko closed her eyes and gave herself into Owen's care.

Owen made short work of the wound and dressed it carefully before giving Toshiko a more general pain killer and telling her to rest on the sofa for a while to let it take effect.

Jack came out of his office to check on Toshiko's progress and sat with her placing a hand on her thigh.

'You ok?' he asked gently.

Suddenly and inexplicably Toshiko burst into tears and sobbed with abandon on Jack's shoulder. Owen came rushing over demanding to know what Jack had said or done. Jack looked at him harshly.

'I haven't done anything Owen, I just asked her if she was ok' he said.

'Tosh?' said Owen 'You in pain?'

Toshiko managed to get a grip on her emotions and shook her head.

'I'm sorry' she said 'just had a really shitty week'

Owen and Jack looked at each other. The week had been fairly uneventful as far as Torchwood went, in fact the weevil hunt today was as exciting as it had got. Owen sat on the floor at Toshiko's feet and settled in for a long chat.

'Right Tosh...tell us all about it' he said softly.

She looked at him and then at Jack who just nodded at her to continue.

'It started on Monday when my car broke down and I couldn't get it to move away from a junction and this man got out of his car and started yelling, then another driver joined in and it was just awful and embarrassing' she was talking at great speed.

'I had to abandon it in traffic and the garage mechanic says it won't be fixed until the weekend. Then on Tuesday my flat flooded when the washing machine broke. The plumber made a real mess trying to fix it and I've had to use the launderette since then because I haven't had time to buy a new one.' She was gasping now at the memories of all the weeks' disasters.

'Wednesday I had a terrible argument with my neighbour about her constant late night parties and she has left her radio on full blast ever since' Toshiko waved her arm about.

'And now this' she ended with a small sob.

Jack felt terrible. He had done it again. He had ignored the fact that his staff were human and had real lives outside of the times he saw them. This was not on the scale of Ianto hiding a cyberwoman in the hub, but still proved he was failing as a leader. He made a quick decision.

'Right Tosh...sit there...we are going to fix these things and then we are all going to have a drink together and remind ourselves of who we all are. We need to relax and have some fun' he said.

Owen saw where all this was leading and felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

'Please don't say it...please don't say it' he muttered under his breath.

'Team building!' grinned Jack.

'Oh God I hate it when Harkness starts with all that American crap' cried Owen hanging his head.

Toshiko smiled at his dramatics, already starting to feel a little better. Ianto and Gwen had heard the whole exchange and Gwen headed over to the others to offer her own sympathies.

Ianto took the more practical approach and sat by his monitor getting to work on solving Toshiko's problems.

'Owen, Gwen go out and buy provisions, we are having a Torchwood party' declared Jack still grinning at his idea.

Both Owen and Gwen rolled their eyes, but they smiled at Toshiko and collected coats before tripping out of the hub to quickly fulfil the captain's request. Everyone was starting to be infected by Jack's good humour. They knew it would be good for Toshiko and probably for them all to let their hair down.

Fifteen minutes later saw Toshiko standing in admiration at Ianto's side as he explained what he had done.

'Your car will be waiting outside your flat when you get home, the keys left with security at your building. As we speak the security officer is watching as plumbers install your new washing machine, ensuring they leave no mess. Your neighbour is being visited by environmental officers about the asbestos in her walls, non- existent of course, which necessitates her immediate removal to another location' Ianto explained.

He looked at Toshiko who was already looking concerned for the neighbour who was effectively being run out of her home.

'Don't worry Tosh. All her expenses of removal are being met by Torchwood and she is going to be very happy when she sees her new flat, it's bigger, more modern and fifteen minutes closer to where she works' he stated knowing Toshiko would feel relieved.

'You are a genius Ianto. How you organise such things is beyond me. Thank you' Toshiko was pleased and genuinely relieved.

Owen and Gwen arrived back with beer, wine and endless nibbles.

'Let the party begin' shouted Owen 'at least for you lot...I shall watch you all get drunk and ridiculous and file CCTV footage for future blackmail purposes'

Owen was determined that his inability to join in the frivolity would not mar Toshiko's enjoyment.

The team retired to the boardroom and Ianto fed music through and opened drinks. Owen sat with Toshiko and asked how her arm was.

'It's fine Owen, still hurts a bit and don't bother telling me not to drink after the painkiller because I'm going to anyway' she stated.

'Ok Tosh...after all you do have a brilliant personal doctor here to look after you' he replied smiling.

Toshiko smiled back at him and knocked back a glass of wine.

'Whoa...we are playing catch up here people...everybody down a drink!' insisted Owen.

He might not be able to drink himself but he was determined to take Ianto's advice and find other pleasures. Hopefully this would mean being able to smirk at the teams hangovers tomorrow.

The others laughed and Ianto rolled his eyes but they all complied with his orders.

'Tosh...what are we going to do about your other problems?' asked Owen.

'All sorted Owen...Ianto fixed it all while you were out...he's amazing' said Toshiko admiration lacing her voice.

'Well, good for teaboy...he needed to make up to you for letting you get hurt' snarled Owen.

'I told you Owen it wasn't Ianto's fault' she insisted but she secretly enjoyed Owen's anger at her injury.

'Come on people...no more recriminations...this is supposed to be a party' insisted Jack.

The tension in the atmosphere visibly lessened as Owen and Ianto looked at each other warily and clinked glasses, Ianto downing another drink and Owen fiddling with the glass.

An hour later the Torchwood team were giggling together and exchanging silly stories.

'Tell Gwen about the time you returned to the hub naked after being fooled into believing you were going to a sex orgy with that blonde' laughed Owen.

Jack looked over at him slightly annoyed.

'She was very believable Owen...and totally gorgeous...I knew she was probably setting me up but I just couldn't risk saying no to what could have been a great night' pouted Jack.

'Oh my God... I so do not want to know' gasped Gwen 'and might I just add Owen...gas sex alien and you naked in the cells!'

'Damn...forgot you were here to see that' snarled Owen.

'What about when Tosh had to be carried home last year after celebrating her birthday...that was ok but throwing up all down my coat was definitely not' announced Jack.

They all fell about laughing at the look of mortification on Toshiko's face. Owen looked around at Ianto. He grinned as he noticed that Ianto was struggling to keep his eyes open, either he was very tired or quite inebriated. Owen was going to enjoy this, he couldn't remember ever seeing Ianto out of control.

'Can anyone remember embarrassing stories about teaboy being drunk?' he asked barely able to keep the smirk from his voice.

Ianto was leaning heavily on Jack's shoulder looking very much the worse for wear but he managed to mumble with great dignity.

'I...am never drunk...never'

With that his head lolled down Jack's chest and finished in Jack's lap where the team listened to him say in what was supposed to be a sexy voice.

'Well hello there....and what is your name?'to Jack's crotch.

Owen rolled his eyes and made fingers down the throat gestures as Ianto snuggled in to Jack's trousers even further.

Jack could feel himself becoming aroused by his Welshman's movements and pulled him up. He placed a kiss on his lips and pulled him to his feet whispering.

'You are going to hate remembering this in the morning'

Ianto snuggled into Jack's neck kissing him, whilst his hand went roaming over the captain's chest undoing buttons. Jack attempted to push him away, to stop him from doing things in front of the others that he would regret them seeing.

'Kiss me Jack' demanded Ianto pressing his lips to his lovers 'please...I'll let you give me orders....I'll call you sir...you know you like that ...sir'

Owen, Toshiko and Gwen were watching open mouthed now, barely suppressing the laughter.

Ianto was beginning to slur his words. Jack picked him up.

'Are you taking me to bed sir?' asked Ianto.

Jack just laughed, he manhandled Ianto over to the sofa and draped a blanket over him. Returning to face the giggles of his team.

'Ianto is so sweet when he is drunk...you should have let him stay and talk' said Toshiko laughing.

'No way...if I allowed him to say...or do anymore...I would be on a sex ban for a week' said Jack with a wink.

'Really Harkness there is not enough drink in the world to erase the images you are creating...please stop now' complained Owen.

'Jackkkk...come and make love to me' Ianto's voice travelled over from the direction of the sofa.

Jack grinned and shouted.

'Go to sleep Ianto'

'Jack...Jackkk! I'm getting naked now and I want to suck your cock sir...bring it over here...please' begged Ianto.

The girls were now giggling helplessly and Owen was groaning as they watched Ianto stumble to his feet and begin undressing.

Jack quickly made his way over to his young lover and decided to take him to his underground room away from the gaze of laughing teammates.

'Nobody mentions this to Ianto tomorrow' he said grimly 'on pain of cleaning out the weevils for the foreseeable future...especially you Owen' he threatened.

Jack manhandled Ianto away whilst the young man was still describing loudly all manner of other things he wanted to do with him.

Owen, Toshiko and Gwen watched and waited until Jack had disappeared before they collapsed with laughter. Toshiko was certainly feeling better now in the company of friends who cared. Ianto had fixed all her problems and for the first time this week she was staring to relax.

Then Gwen started to flirt with Owen and Toshiko lapsed into silence as she watched the two of them.

Toshiko tried not to be upset after all she knew they had a history and drink tended to lower inhibitions and make past lovers seem more attractive. She thought about reminding Gwen about Rhys but she decided to take the self respect option and not make a scene. She tried to retain the light hearted mood that Ianto's antics had created.

Toshiko stumbled to her feet and made preparations to leave. She wandered over to her workstation leaving the other two to continue their flirtation. She powered down her station and headed for the hub door, surprised to find Owen with her. His hands slid about her waist and he whispered in her ear.

'Let me take you home Tosh...I don't like to think of you alone after being injured'

Toshiko looked at him and smiled.

'I'm ok Owen...go and have fun'

'I'd have more fun with you than on my own at home' he said.

Toshiko looked over to Gwen.

'But I thought...' she said.

'No Tosh...that's long over, and she'll remember soon that I'm of no use to her and Rhys is waiting at home' he answered.

'Look Tosh...I'm not trying to get into your bed...and even if I got there I think your virtue would be safe..' he shrugged sadly 'I just want to make sure you're ok...please' he continued.

Toshiko gave him a genuine smile and nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Owen had made Toshiko a sandwich to try to absorb some of the alcohol and had insisted she eat it. She had smiled at his bossiness but did as she was told nonetheless. They watched some mindless late night TV and Toshiko snuggled up to Owen on her small sofa. Owen smiled down at her and she snuggled further into his embrace. She tried not to analyse whether it was the alcohol or Owen's presence that was making her feel content.

Around midnight Toshiko struggled to rise from her position telling Owen she was going to bed.

'Come with me Owen?' she asked.

Owen was surprised. But he followed her to the bedroom and watched with barely concealed delight as she stripped to underwear. Toshiko had gained confidence since Owen had died, she felt able to ask for what she wanted because Owen was at a disadvantage.

'Get undressed Owen...and come to bed' she demanded.

'I don't know Tosh' said Owen uncertainly.

He was unsure what she was asking for. Did she want them to become more than friends? He wasn't sure how that would work in his condition despite what Ianto had said. But he also desperately wanted to stay, to feel that human contact and warmth.

'Please Owen...I just want you to stay with me' Toshiko looked at him with genuine warmth.

Owen nodded and undressed to his underwear and dove under the covers. Toshiko snuggled into his arms, winding her own arms around his middle and pulling him close. Owen squeezed his eyes shut feeling the desperation to be able to respond to the beautiful woman in his embrace.

Toshiko squirmed some more and looked up at him through her lashes and reached up to kiss him. Owen responded and kissed back. Uncertainly at first, unsure how much pressure to use as he couldn't feel her lips properly. He had to judge by distance and response but they soon settled into a rhythm that pleased them both.

'Tosh...I can't..' gasped Owen.

'I know Owen...but that doesn't mean we can't cuddle' said Toshiko as she kissed and nuzzled at Owen's neck.

Owen was surprised to find that despite his inability to gain an erection he could respond to Toshiko. He could remember what it felt like to have someone kiss and cuddle him and his mind filled in the blanks of what he should be feeling.

Toshiko grazed delicate fingers over Owen's chest and down his stomach and felt him grip her in response.

'Can you feel that?' she asked in surprise.

'No...but I can see it...I can remember what it feels like...I can imagine I feel it' smiled Owen.

He rolled her onto her back.

'And I can remember what to do with a woman in my bed' he grinned at her 'if that's ok' he asked. Suddenly he was unsure how Toshiko would respond to a dead man touching her.

But to Toshiko this wasn't a dead man. It was the man she had loved for years, a man she had trusted with her life and a friend she was glad to still have around. She lay back relaxed enough by the drink to enjoy the attention.

She fell asleep listening to Owen mumble about 'bloody teaboys who are always right'.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Toshiko has dreams.

She dreams of marriage, a home, children and worrying over whose turn it is to cook. Of growing old with the man she loves and watching grandchildren play in the park. She dreams that Owen is that man.

She dreams of a life with Mary. A normal life where Mary is not an alien and wants Toshiko for herself, not for her ability to access Torchwood.

She dreams of a world war one soldier, so lost and lonely.

But she thinks about Ianto and how he helped her today. She thinks about Owen and how he bought her home tonight and made her dinner even though he couldn't eat any. She thinks about the pleasure Owen had given her body, and how he had stroked her hair and mumbled about Ianto and pleasure in giving.

This wasn't perfect, Owen wasn't the prince she had dreamed about as a child, but he was in her bed and in her life and in the dream spaces before sleep and the nightmare times it was enough for Toshiko.


	5. Chapter 5

Jack has nightmares.

The horror of living forever never fully leaves Jack's mind. He wonders what he will look like millennia from now. He is still ageing and he wonders if he will be crippled and decrepit, but doomed to carry on living in a dead body.

He wonders how many more precious people he must loose from his life, and will there one day be no one to ease the pain and loneliness?

He wonders how many more terrible decisions will be his to make.

He panics when he remembers he will lose Ianto, and sobs in his soul when he faces the fact that he will one day love another.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Gwen and Toshiko struggled into the hub half carrying Jack as he stumbled between them. He had been shot by a rampant alien twenty minutes earlier and was still recovering. The alien that shot him was currently being transported from the SUV to the autopsy room by Ianto and Owen.

The girls placed Jack on the floor as soon as they entered the hub.

'You might at least carry me to the sofa' groaned Jack.

'We might if you lost some weight. You need to cut down on pizzas' retaliated Toshiko.

'I resent that! Are you insinuating that I'm fat?' Jack looked down at himself with mock horror.

'Ianto likes me chunky...he says it's manly' continued Jack poking at his stomach.

'Ianto is biased Jack, his opinion does not count' said Gwen.

'We're not saying you're fat Jack...just a bit heavy for two girls to carry far' placated Toshiko.

Ianto and Owen arrived in the main hub. Owen was covered in alien blood and other stuff he did not want to contemplate and was going to shower before performing the autopsy. Ianto looked slightly flushed but otherwise unflustered as always.

'Ianto do I look fat to you?' whined Jack.

Ianto glared at the girls, whatever they had said it was going to be Ianto placating Jack's ego all night.

'No sir....I think your manly physique is just about perfect' he announced soothingly.

Owen rolled his eyes and muttered 'good God' before slinking off to the shower room. Jack was recovering from his injuries quickly now and stood up, still inspecting his middle, and moved to his office stopping to kiss Ianto on the way.

The girls moved to their stations, Gwen to begin a report on the incident and Toshiko to begin an analysis on the device the alien had been using. She thought it was some sort of mobile rift manipulator but would need to run tests to be sure.

Ianto made preparations for the disposal of the body once Owen had completed medical tests, and organised a cover story for the media concerning the large hole in a local park that the device Toshiko was working on had left.

'Ianto' Jack called later from his office.

'Yes Jack' said Ianto appearing with his usual speed and calm when his captain called.

Jack signalled Ianto to enter the office and whispered to him in a slightly panicky voice.

'Ianto, do I have grey hairs?'

Ianto rolled his eyes, good grief Jack was going to do the whole am I still young thing and Ianto wasn't sure he had the patience.

'No Jack...no grey hairs...no fat...no wrinkles..just six feet of gorgeous intoxicating manhood' he assured him smiling.

Jack grinned at him but Ianto could tell from his eyes that he was still worrying. He moved to kiss him passionately trying to infuse into the kiss all the reasons why Jack Harkness was the sexiest man on the planet. Jack looked slightly more convinced when the kiss ended and Ianto left the office.

He walked over to the monitors where Gwen, Owen and Toshiko were gathered to look at Toshiko's analysis.

'Well done girls, you've succeeded in making the sex God that is Jack Harkness doubt his attractiveness!' he spat, annoyed at the trouble they had made for him to solve.

'Oh Ianto no one will ever make Jack doubt himself for any length of time' laughed Gwen.

Ianto got increasingly annoyed. The others did not know Jack like he did. Much of his bravado was an act. Sure he was naturally confident and assured but he was still human. Ianto knew that in his darker moments Jack wondered and fretted about what he would look like in hundred, or a thousand, or ten thousand years.

He knew was still ageing although at a much slower rate and in the nightmare times the thought terrified him.

He watched Jack sitting in his office and brooding. He saw the dark places zooming in on his lover and knew Jack would be listening to the demons that spoke of never ending loneliness, of endless cycles of love and loss, of a body that would fail condemning the mind to an aged prison.

Ianto sighed. He knew he shouldn't blame the girls. Jack preferred to mask his horrors with grins and bravado and he did it well enough to fool those who weren't watching closely. However Ianto would prepare them decaff for the rest of the day, a silent reproach for the horror they had unwittingly released.

Ianto knew he would be able to comfort his captain when they were alone later but maybe there was a way to help it along.

He would need to think carefully and plan his strategy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Before he could make any plans however the rift alarm sounded for the second time that day. Jack came out of his office still pinching his middle with a worried frown and looked over at Toshiko.

'What is it Tosh?' he asked.

'Seems to be a warehouse on the outskirts of the city...hold on they have CCTV that I should be able to patch in to' she explained fiddling with her monitors.

The team watched as the pictures came to life on Toshiko's monitor. It did not look good. The screen showed five vaguely humanoid aliens tearing into the warehouse staff. Two men were already dead or dying and others were screaming and panicking in their desperation to get away.

'Police are already on their way Jack' announced Gwen as she bought up coverage of the police network.

'Ok...tell them to evacuate any survivors and close the perimeters...under no circumstances are they to enter the building...I know these creatures of old...they come purely to kill...unarmed officers would not stand a chance..' Jack told her.

Gwen relayed the information to police control and the team swiftly left the hub.

'Owen you will be needed in case of survivors but I don't want you entering the building...stay in the SUV and relay coordinates' shouted Jack as they loaded up.

Owen rolled his eyes but accepted his fate. Obviously Jack would want to protect him from further damage that would not heal, but he took his gun with him for protection and if necessary to help.

Ianto swung into the driver's seat in the SUV and Jack got in beside him talking quietly so the others would not hear in the back.

'Ianto please be careful when we arrive. These creatures are from the Calex galaxy...they're vicious' he said.

'Ok Jack' replied Ianto concentrating on his driving.

Jack caught hold of his wrist, making him look around at his captain.

'Please Ianto!...I can't face my two worst nightmares on the same day...I need you safe' pleaded Jack.

Ianto acknowledged the concern and fear. He knew that along with growing old Jack feared losing Ianto, being alone again. He smiled tightly at his lover.

'I'll do my best...promise' he whispered.

Ianto slammed the SUV around the final corner before their destination.

'That's the warehouse there' he said.

He pulled quickly into the car park. Already police were on the scene and evacuating the building, dispersing the crowds.

'Torchwood' yelled Jack to a police woman on guard duty.

'There were screams from the East wing when we arrived sir, but we had instructions not to approach, she told Jack apologetically.

'Thanks' said Jack, 'believe me you did right to stay out'.

Jack organised his team.

'Owen stay in the SUV, relay coordinates and rift readings, Gwen, Tosh, with me and shoot to kill, agreed?'

'Agreed' said Gwen and Toshiko nodded.

'Ianto I want you to guard the entrance, nothing comes in or out' ordered Jack.

'No' said Ianto.

'Ianto these are killing machines we can't afford to mess about trying to disable them' argued Jack.

'I mean, no I won't stay at the entrance, I'm coming in with you' said Ianto.

Jack looked at him.

'I don't want you in there Ianto' he said.

'Jack be reasonable, there are only four of us as it is, I can fire a gun, you need me in there with you' argued Ianto.

Jack leaned in close.

'I need you safe' he whispered pleading.

'And I need to be useful' insisted Ianto.

They looked at each other for what seemed like an age.

'Can we stop the macho posturing and just get on with it?' asked an exasperated Gwen.

Jack gave in.

'Ok Ianto but you stay with me'

'Compromise' agreed Ianto.

They took guns out and entered the building quietly. It was easy to tell the direction of the aliens as it was the only area with noise. They stood before a door, guns poised in preparation.

'Gwen go right, Tosh left, Ianto and I will take centre' whispered Jack.

The others nodded then all four burst through the door. They each shot a alien immediately on entry, there were five more further away one of whom ran at alarming speed and swiped at Gwen with his arm. Gwen fired but missed, Ianto ran to cover her whilst Jack dealt with two more aliens in quick succession.

Jack saw the bodies before the others did. A man and a woman, both young, both very dead. Their chest cavities were open and their heads had been smashed. Jack felt nausea rising in his throat and tried to focus his attention on the aliens.

He knew Ianto had seen the destroyed bodies when he heard a gasp and retching, he glanced back at his lover and saw him valiantly pointing his gun towards the aliens whilst heaving at the sight of the bodies and desperately shouting to Gwen to check her status.

Jack needed to get Ianto out of here. That was the only thought in his head. He knew he should be concentrating on the mission, on killing the aliens and the safety of the rest of the team, but every atom in his body screamed at him to get Ianto to safety.

Gwen lay dazed on the ground and now three aliens were closing in on Ianto. One picked him up with surprising ease and swung around to face Jack as he prepared to fire.

'Ianto' breathed Jack.

The alien holding Ianto growled at Jack and he wavered, unable to fire in case of hitting the young man. Gwen was quickly recovering and had a better vantage point than Jack, she shot at the alien holding Ianto, hitting it in the chest. It would be a fatal wound, but before dropping, the alien threw Ianto to one of his comrades. Ianto flew through the air like a rag doll and was caught by another alien, his arm and shoulder being cut in the process, blood spread across his shirt.

Jack's heart was beating wildly, he had not been this terrified for a long time. The alien holding Ianto had him in a grip around the throat and Jack could hear his lover gasping for air. The alien altered his grip and suddenly Ianto was dangling with his feet off the ground and an alien arm around his neck. The alien was gesturing to Jack with his claw aimed at Ianto's chest.

The threat was obvious, the claw had already broken the skin and more blood was seeping through Ianto's shirt. Jack felt his nausea return. Gwen and Toshiko were both circling trying to get a good vantage point to shoot.

Two aliens left. Gwen, Toshiko and Jack facing them and armed, the odds were in the Torchwood teams favour, but Ianto was still held fast. Jack felt unable to breathe as he watched his lover held bruised and bleeding by an alien bent on destruction. None of the team had a clear shot, and they continued circling warily.

Jack never took his eyes from Ianto, his heart was beating so fast it hurt, blood pounding in his ears, he couldn't lose Ianto now, it would be too much to bear. I just need him for a while longer...not yet...not yet, he thought continually.

As he watched he saw Ianto move his hand into his trouser pocket, what was he doing? Ianto withdrew the SUV ignition keys. Oh God, Jack could not believe what he was seeing, surely Ianto could not be so stupid.

Ianto looked at Jack and saw him shake his head, but this was a stand- off and Ianto realised he had to take some action. He grasped the keys firmly, swung himself up and plunged them with force into the eye of the alien who held him. The alien screamed and dropped Ianto, who threw himself clear as Jack, Toshiko and Gwen found clear space and fired.

Both the remaining aliens were dead or dying and Jack ran to Ianto gathering him into his arms and openly weeping.

'I'm ok Jack' said Ianto.

'No you're not, you're bruised and bleeding and in big trouble' said Jack.

'Trouble?' queried Ianto.

'Disobeying an order' said Jack.

Gwen had joined them.

'It was an inspired move Jack and you know it' she said looking at Ianto with new admiration.

'Jack' said Ianto.

Jack looked at him softly.

'Yes Ianto' he said.

'You're hurting my shoulder' he replied, and fainted in Jack's arms.

Ianto regained consciousness quickly to find himself being carried to the SUV by Jack. He struggled in Jack's arms.

'I can walk Jack, this is ridiculous, put me down,' he insisted.

'No you can't, don't argue' said Jack with a pleading look in his eyes.

Ianto allowed himself to be conveyed into the backseat of the SUV.

Jack drove whilst Gwen and Toshiko began to arrange cover stories and clean up and Owen tended to Ianto's wounds.

'Owen?...how is he?' shouted Jack to Owen in the back seat as he inspected Ianto.

'Don't panic...he's ok.. just needs cleaning and a few sutures. When we get to the hub he'll be fine in no time' insisted Owen.

'Jack..breathe!..he's ok..it's a really boring injury for a Torchwood employee! I'm a doctor and I'm telling you he will be sore and nothing more..ok?' he continued.

'I'm ok Jack stop fussing' said Ianto.

'Told you...get over yourself Jack...teaboy just got a scrape..' sighed Owen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back at the hub Owen set about suturing Ianto's wound.

'See not life threatening at all...I may be dead but I can still tell a non fatal wound' said Owen sarcastically.

Ianto and Jack both shot Owen a look full of venom and he left them to comfort each other.

'I'm ok Jack...bit sore though' said Ianto with a small smile.

'I know...I over reacted...just panicked...you know?' murmured Jack.

'I know' said Ianto.

He knew Jack worried about losing him. He had lost so many people, and it would just keep happening over and over throughout the rest of eternity. Truly the never ending nightmare times.

Ianto smiled at him.

'Don't live it before you have to Jack' he whispered.

Jack nodded but looked into Ianto's eyes.

'Sometimes I want to cry for you now...while you're still here to comfort me for the loss' he whispered softly.

Ianto gulped back a sob, he loved it when Jack was this open about his feelings but the honesty behind this admission was so bitter and painful to hear.

They stared into each other's eyes, both acknowledging the fact that one day Jack would live it for real. It was painful for them both but in very different ways and Ianto had long ago realised it was worse for Jack. To be left behind, to be possibly forgotten held pain, but to do the loosing and the forgetting held agony beyond human endurance.

Ianto hugged Jack to him.

'Don't live it before you have to' he repeated.

They kissed chastely and placed their foreheads together, each providing an air of calm for the other.

'You two done slobbering over each other yet? Is it safe to look?' shouted Owen from the main hub.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That evening Ianto had organised what he thought of as a mission to save Jack from his never ending nightmare, at least for a time. He had arranged to meet a couple of old college friends at a local bar and had spent some time talking about Jack to his closest friend Will.

He took himself to Jack's office. Jack was still worrying that was obvious to Ianto. He sat at his desk, motionless, just staring into the endless future. Ianto approached him carefully and placed his arms about Jack's neck and putting his head into the crook of his lover's shoulder.

'Stop thinking about it' he whispered.

'Can't help it' murmured Jack.

'Come out with me tonight?' asked Ianto 'I'm meeting friends.

'Attractive friends?' questioned Jack with a gleam in his eyes.

Ianto rolled his eyes but kissed Jack's neck anyway.

'I think so. But you can't flirt, they don't know about us and Will is not comfortable with the whole gay thing' whispered Ianto.

'What do you mean?' asked Jack.

'Well...he's not anti gay...just gets a bit unnerved when people are obvious. Maybe he has unresolved issues with his own sexuality..' answered Ianto leaving the insinuation hanging in the air.

Jack grinned to himself, he loved unnerving repressed 21st century men, tonights outing just became potentially much more interesting. For a time he forgot to listen to his demons.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack's evening was going well. He liked Ianto's friends and he was having a good time. Robin was witty and intelligent reminding him of his favourite Welshman, and Will was beginning to cautiously respond to Jack's attention.

Jack was resisting the temptation to flirt with the young man but he saw no harm in paying a great deal of attention to him. Will was clearly not comfortable around Jack at the beginning of the evening but Jack's charm had worn him down and he was seemingly hanging onto Jack's every word.

As Ianto stood to leave, Jack leaned towards Will and placed a kiss on his cheek, Will looked slightly shocked but then looked Jack in the eyes and said.

'I hope to see you again some time captain'

Jack grinned widely and led Ianto away. As Jack visited the gents before leaving Ianto rushed back to Will and hugging him said.

'Thank you...I owe you a drink'

'No problem Ianto...and you were right he is very sexy' replied Will with a wink.

Ianto left to rejoin Jack relieved that his plan had worked.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Back at Ianto's house Jack took his young lover in his arms as he got undressed in his bedroom.

'You don't need to ask your friends to make me feel better...but thank you... for caring enough' he whispered.

Ianto looked at Jack and raised his eyebrows in question.

'Don't play games with me Jones...I know you asked Will to respond to me...is he really uncomfortable around gay men?' asked Jack laughing.

Ianto admitted defeat.

'No' he replied 'actually Will is VERY comfortable with gay men' he laughed 'and he's very happy that I've apparently seen the light' he continued giggling now.

The two men climbed into bed at ease with each other and Ianto slipped under Jack's arm to rest his head on the other man's shoulder.

'I know you worry Jack and I want to make you happy for as long as I can' whispered Ianto.

'I've lived a long time Ianto...but right now..right here..in this bed with you...I am happier than I have ever been. The nightmares will never go away..no one can help me with that...but you bring dreams in your wake Ianto Jones' said Jack.

Ianto looked up at him prepared to laugh but saw sincerity on Jack's face and was surprised, Jack was rarely so emotional.

'Live the now Jack' he said 'don't look forward or back...don't live it before you have to'

Ianto reached up to kiss his lover and began trailing kisses down his body. Breathing became more ragged.

Jack rolled onto his back and pulled Ianto on top of him. Ianto looked a question at him.

'I want to do it this way tonight...is that ok?' asked Jack.

Ianto took a moment to consider this. He didn't often top and it always happened when Jack was feeling vulnerable and wanted to be claimed, or if he was just in a kinky submissive mood. Ianto could see he wanted to be possessed tonight, to feel Ianto was taking hold of him, claiming him from the past and the future, making him live the now.

'Of course it's ok' he whispered and sensing Jack's mood prepared to take their pleasure slowly and oh so thoroughly.

Ianto placed his elbows either side of Jack's head and thrust his body against his lovers rubbing them both to full erection. He kissed Jack's neck and across his shoulders, then down his chest.

Ianto sat up slightly and pushed Jack's legs open and up, revelling in the feeling of control and enjoying the trust Jack showed by allowing this. He spread lube in and around Jack's entrance and over his own cock enjoying Jack's intake of breath as he watched him stroke himself.

He positioned himself to enter Jack's body and bent down to kiss his neck and whisper to him.

'For this short while you are mine' he whispered hearing Jack's breath hitch as he listened to him.

He thrust into Jack's willing and hot body and stilled briefly looking into his eyes. Ianto began small gentle thrusts and continued kissing Jack's neck and whispering to him.

'Here and now you are mine...you belong to me...it's just us'

Ianto pinned Jack's arms to the bed by gripping his wrists in his hands to ensure Jack knew he was being claimed, to ensure he could feel Ianto's dominance, his desire to own. Jack loved to give over control like this, loved to feel Ianto's need to capture and claim.

'It's just us...you belong to me'

Ianto was thrusting in earnest now and they were both nearing climax. Ianto placed Jack's hand on his own cock and ordered him.

'Do it Jack...let me watch you make yourself come...do as I tell you...do it!'

Jack lost control completely and rubbed himself frantically, searching for release, arching and pressing into Ianto. Ianto came seconds later, Jack's evident pleasure pushing him over the edge. He slowly continued thrusting through the waves of sensation as it died. Resting eventually on top of Jack and nuzzling his neck once more.

'All mine' he gasped finally.

'All yours' agreed a sated Jack.

Later as they lay becoming sleepy Jack tried to snuggle against Ianto's side.

'Jack' objected Ianto 'I'm sleeping now'

Jack smiled and rolled away keeping a hand on Ianto's back.

'Jack!'

Jack smiled some more and removed his hand. Ianto hated to be touched when he was going to sleep, his whole body needed to be away from Jack's or he couldn't relax into oblivion. Jack had grown used to this quirk and accepted it because Ianto would crawl into his arms later whilst he was asleep. Once unconscious his body would seek out Jack's warmth and comfort. Cuddles in the morning were as obligatory as not touching at sleep time.

Jack slowly and carefully moved his foot closer to Ianto, barely touching his calf with a big toe.

'JACK!!'

Jack giggled and turned over to await the dreaming Ianto who would cuddle up to him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack has dreams.

He dreams that he never met the Doctor and is still a time travelling con man.

He dreams he died and stayed dead on satellite 5. He dreams he died and stayed dead all the times since then. He dreams that he will die one day.

He dreams of a normal life with Ianto. A life where they love and laugh and argue and make up. Where they meet friends and go on holiday, where they watch boring TV and waste time lounging around. A life where they will grow old together.

He will only have a brief time with Ianto, but Ianto has taught him to live in the now. He has given Jack dreams of love and life and in the dream space before the nightmare times this is enough for Jack.


End file.
